NaPoWriMo

Day 17: Flap

It’s hidden underneath the flap
The crawling lower keep
Emotion in a storage place
Secure from gaping seep

Trained myself from years ago
Hide, chin-up, be strong
Try to make a happy face
Attempt to get along

Hammered boards and signs
Furniture waist deep
Prevent the flap from opening
The realization of what’s to reap

His eyes a chocolate truffle
His skin of olive silk
Seen in tiny spurts of him
Though he never drank my milk

He wasn’t in this flap of mine
It wasn’t his to claim
In the trench built inside though
Fumes a giant stank

Indecision, chained
Inseparable love hides
Forced decision
Part of me that died

Unprescribed emotion
Showed a weakness
Made me feel inadequate
Caused strife, distress

Pretended strength
Never raising him today
Instead, A lie was lived
Gave life; gave him away

It sounds stupendous
On paper or in story
But underneath the flap
It rips and reeks of fury

Clawing, pleading
Standing firm in front
Eyes brimming of tears
A shawl of regret

Not to take him back
Or make it disappear
To have the choice be mine to make
It might have just seemed clearer

Will it ever come out
The apology, the remorse
What if hindsight has given
A mapped out course?

That changed the way
Though not changing time
His eyes are hope
His eyes are mine

Flesh is connected
Though distance is not
Hearts are together
Love is the spot

Stuffing back the flap
Shove the real
Going on with life
Trying not to feel

So they will be happy
Pretending games
Illusion of picturesque life
Gentle lies proclaimed

Built this hole, I did
A place that is all mine
Where all of this is hidden
Where they cannot judge my crime

I’m real today
As of this hour
No more tears
I’ve claimed a power

Not of you or yours
Or anything of this earth
Of a sort of narcotic strength
Or even a new birth

God, my Savior
Gives me affirmation
Opens the flap
Rids all the suffocation

He says He gave life
So I can trust His Word
A baby I sailed away
Like a tiny bird

To nest he came back
Just like God promised
A bed I made, a neck I hugged
His words sit deep in my chest

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